Photo by  Kristen Zakala

Photo by Kristen Zakala

that 'burnout' article everyone’s talking about.

The title: How Millennials Became The Burnout Generation. My coworker slacked this article to a group of us a few weeks back. I didn’t open it. There was no need to. As a dedicated, soul-searching Millennial, I already felt well versed in those hardships that my special snowflake generation struggle with. I was aware that those participation ribbons I lamely collected in Track & Field fucked me up, because now I subconsciously believe I deserve to be commended for my accomplishments, no matter how lacklustre. As a millennial, I continue to purchase expensive lattes without hesitation (because I love quality experiences!) Also, I can’t afford a home (no one can! Student loans! Life is pricey these days.)

However, this article seemed to strike a chord in the general public. I was listening to friends yap about it at dinners. I was overhearing random folks discussing it in cafés I frequent. It started getting linked as a go-to reference in other pieces I was reading. This! Is! Not! An! Exaggeration! SO, I read it. Lo and behold, I learned a lot. This piece had context. There were insights in it that I’d never considered before. It contained solid research. Don’t be intimidated by it’s size. This was honestly quite fascinating. Also I probably don’t need to go to therapy this week because I read it. You might not either, if you give it a go.

Read more here.

–Gaelan Simpson, Managing Editor

Image courtesy of The Onion

Image courtesy of The Onion

News of Nudes Nettles Amazon Nerd

Welcome to 2019 where the leading news story concerns Jeffrey Bezos’ booty pics.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos made a post about how people are trying to leak his nudes this week. That’s a real sentence. This is a real story. This is another reminder that the reality simulator crashed back in 2012 and things have just been glitching since. Why’s this happening? Well, American Media, owners of the National Enquirer, did one of its “things.” You know those things. Those far-right media things, where they extort and blackmail someone famous. And that famous person is: Jeffrey Preston Bezos. You may know Jeff as the man who is as unapologetically rich as you can possibly be. Yet, despite that, looks like a hench dude who is the first villain to get exploded by a grenade in a Daniel Craig James Bond film.

Anyway, American Media has his n000dz and they’re threatening to show them off. Jeff, who is quite upset about all this, is calling it all a “right-wing media conspiracy.” In a blog post, Jeff called out AMI Chief, Gavin Pecker (seriously), for his “extortionate proposal.” He also posted an email from Dylan Howard, the chief content officer at AMI. The email outlined, in detail, the photographs AMI allegedly has in their possession. Most of it is pretty standard sexting gear. However there is one detail that stands out: "A shirtless Mr. Bezos holding his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring. He’s wearing either tight black cargo pants or shorts — and his semi-erect manhood is penetrating the zipper of said garment." Cargo shorts? Seriously? Guess that proves you can be worth $100 billion and still not be able to afford taste. Overall it's quite an odd story featuring a strange bunch. In one corner: the richest man to never pay his factory workers or taxes. In the other: a far-right media empire. There are no winners here. Except for us, the audience, who are quite happy with mutually assured destruction.

–James Royce, Office Manager at Matte Black